My Killer Week (Digest)

Hi guys. I haven't been in the mood to blog this week, which sucks overly because I have SO MANY things to tell you.

Most importantly, last Wednesday I went to a free screening of this new film, Super at IFC aaaaand it was absolutely fantastic. Best movie I've seen in a while. So you all have to go. Also, Liv Tyler was there, right, and she totally sat super close to me, and before the movie started she whispered something to her friend and I was like "Arwen!?!" (because remember who in Lord of the Rings she whispered her entire role?) Anyway Super is brilliantly-written and incredibly creative and not at all a Kick Ass knockoff. Go see it. I noticed it was playing at Sunshine Cinemas on the Lower East Side when I walked by Friday, but hopefully you can find it somewhere less bufu. But in all seriousness, it's worth seeing if you're not a total snob about superhero stuff (or slightly religious-themed stuff).

Oh and BEFORE the movie, I was decided to kill an hour at this random coffee shop I found near the theater and who should be working there but the ORIGINAL SEXY LATTE BOY from Joe: The Art of Coffee in Grand Central whom I was obsessed with 3 years ago! He didn't remember me when I creepily asked him if he "ever worked at a different coffee shop". He totally knew that meant "I know who you are, but you don't know who I am." Anyway, he looks fantastic. Sexuality = Still ambiguous.

Right, then my mom visited this weekend. I bought a ton of awesome stuff. She met C.C., so that's done. It was a refreshing weekend. You should see my new bag.

So far, all that's happened this week is I bought this:

Well, one of them. It's one of only 20 in the world... though there are more than 20 in that picture. Anyway, I need stuff for a big shelving unit I'm having put in soon, so I've decided I'm going to try and only decorate it with things that have buttholes.

Flushed

My toilet and I are best friends now, and I'm gonna leave it at that.

(Through thick and thin. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

Latte Boy Update! -- Latte Boy has been leaking personal information to me, slowly destroying my creepy objectification games. I even know his stupid name (it's a cute name, really) and where he's from and all these things. I'm countering by doing the same. He knows my name and when he told me fix the yucky weather, I said "I can't. God doesn't listen to me; I'm Jewish." So now he knows that. Guess I gotta start treating him like a human bean now! Oh well, maybe I can make him my friend or something stupid like that.

P.S. I'm dating someone. I wonder if he's mad that I blog about Latte Boy more than him.

Slosh

It's Liquid Diet Day!

Coffee for breakfast, frozen hot chocolate for lunch, pink lemonade for snacktime (in progress), and probably one of those Vivanno smoothies with the hunger-defying protein powder for dinner! And if Latte Boy (not to be confused with Sexy Latte Boy) is working tonight, I'll probably get a $2 frappuccino on the way home.

Anyway, I've been inverting the food pyramid semi-professionally since 1982, so it's not like this is any great accomplishment. I just thought you should all know about it.

Now I will tell you about Latte Boy.

Long-time fans of this blog will be aware of a quasi-permanent fixture in my life: Sexy Latte Boy. Sexy Latte Boy is any boy who satisfies all of the following conditions:

1. Pushes coffee
2. Is sexy
3. Is of ambiguous sexuality
4. Is friendly enough to make me love him but not friendly enough to prove he loves me back
5. I don't know his name

At present, there is no Sexy Latte Boy on the radar. The last one disappeared from my corner Starbucks months ago, which is.... actually, I don't want to talk about it.

So Latte Boy is something completely different. "Latte Boy" is an honorary title I have bestowed upon Latte Boy, this guy who works evenings at my corner Starbucks, talks to me like we're friends, and is cute in a seriously queeny way. He's one of those naturally charismatic people I've never understood, and he makes me feel good about myself. Despite the conspicuous lack of "Sexy" in his title (the stipulations of the Sexy Latte Boy moniker demand it), I'm actually very attracted to him, but don't tell my friend Ryan because he will make fun of me.

Anyway, I like pretending we're really going to be friends one day. He likes my Safari Jacket, which he saw when I came in on my way back from the dry cleaners. That is vital. He remembered how I had to take the day off work yesterday even though I had told him 3 days earlier, but most importantly, he likes to say things like "$2.35 sounds like a good price" when I am buying $6 drinks.

So ok that's who Latte Boy is. You can't have him.

SLB Continued

Ok time for today's update on Sexy Latte Boy (Starbucks Edition). You're probably thinking WHOA stop blowing my mind with all the excitement, and you're probably thinking it sarcastically, but it turns out.... nothing. It turns out nothing. In case you are wondering, new readers, yes this is all I ever talk about.

Anyway this morning I didn't go in to get coffee because there was no need because Sexy Latte Boy was out on the street totally washing the windows. Normally I'd hate seeing someone I love doing work like that in broad daylight, but he looked really good. And he looked even better when this girl started playing with him on the other side. She was maybe 4 and was smiling and putting her hands all over the window and he was putting his hands all over his side and smearing all the soap around. She'd bounce joyfully, he'd grin playfully... it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen.

Dad's are hot. Dad's without kids: hotter.

The downside is that this forbodes a phenomenon a friend described this weekend. He told me that 27 (the age I am turning on Monday) is around when people who don't want kids start instead to want kids. I denied it.

I didn't tell him at the time that I has lately been seeing them and thinking "Oh, that thing's cute" (so far only when they're not opening their mouths.) I also didn't tell him that I have three girl names that I like (Sabrina, Monica, and Justine) and am anxious to apply them and find out if the girls turn into the fictional characters I associate with them (Sabrina the teenage witch, Monica from Friends, and Justine from that Marquis de Sade book with the orgies).

It's all very wrong. Wrong wrong wrong!

The reason I'm against it is because I'm still in that stage in between KIDS BOO and KIDS YAY! So basically I still think they're annoying life-ruiners but I kinda don't care. And since my goal in life is to keep violently self-destructive behavior to a minimum, I'm considering this a Code Red conflict.

Anyway I gotta go. Nobody bring any children around me unless you are Sexy Latte Boy in which case we can talk it over.

Latte Boy Rundown

Discerning readers will have noticed the full meaning of yesterday's annoying "Starbucks Boy" post. In case you are not discerning (don't worry, it happens to all guys) I was describing a torrid Starbucks love triangle that I made up.

I pretend this one boy there loves me. But I don't love him. And there's another boy who I do love, but he loves girls I'm sure. Pretty sure.

The first boy is super nice and friendly to me ALL THE TIME. Like one day I was in there reading and drinking coffee (obvs) and he came up to me and got all up in my business like what was I reading and "Not working today?" so I told him "The Three Musketeers" and "I got locked out of my apartment" and he asked my name and it was all very awkward because I had been wearing the same clothes and not showered in 3 days and just wanted to be left alone. And then yesterday he asked how the book was and it had been like 3 weeks. Sohe's nice, just... not... what's the word I'm seaching for.... the slightest bit attractive?

The other boy is symmetrical and scruffy and skinny and has unkempt slightly unwashed hair that sticks out from his cap at odd angles. His skin is nice and his eyes are bright and his smile is charming. In summary, he likes milk and it shows.

And he's got this deep voice and his eyes kinda twinkle when he looks at people like he's casting some sort of spell. He's got a quiet, comfortable confidence about him.

Anyway he is ALSO super nice but in a softer way and not so in-your-face friendly. He likes being around people, you can tell.

And he came into my life just in time because Sexy Latte Boy at Joe: The Art of Coffee has a) not been around and b) been letting himself go.

So there you are now updated on my obsession with coffee boys and know how important they are.

Passions is on!?!?

Does anyone think I'm weird for being attracted to guys like Jim Brickman?

Because it's not just "Oh, he's a handsome man." I actually see a picture like this, and it makes me want to cuddle up with some hot cocoa next to the fire in our cabin while he plays easy listening Christmas tunes on our grand piano wearing a holiday sweater and gazing at me with the firelight in his eyes. And then we'll snuggle on the bear skin rug and read Great Expectations as the snowflakes silently drift by the window and the forest around us quietly slumbers.

I've never thought of myself as the woolen sweater man type, and I'm sure it would get old the next day when I was asked to fucking chop wood or something, but maybe that's what I need right now... a snowy weekend upstate with someone masculine, sensitive, cliche, and... tacky. I wish Indiana Jones were real and available... and gay... and still 35.

Speaking of romance and love I'll never have, I was disappointed this morning when I went for coffee and Sexy Latte Boy wasn't there, but after lunch I passed by again and he WAS so even though I didn't want anything, I got in line. He was working the register this time, so instead of getting a drink he'd have to defer to the barrista, I got tea, which he would have to make himself. But I was SUPER SAD to realize that I was 100% totes mistaken yesterday because the dude is 99% straight, I'm so sure. He just has this boyish way about him with the smiling and the ease with himself, and he tends to be friendlier with people who look like they might be the slightest bit interesting (i.e. not the Greybar businessman type that forms 90% of his clientele.) So there goes that eternal happiness, but I'm still going to go there and enjoy some quality crush time.

Right so following that disappointment, I'm leaving Grand Central and I hold the door for the guy behind me, though I can't do it well because I have hot tea in my hand, which he takes as an excuse to start up a conversation with me, during which he complimented my outfit, asked if I model, wondered why I DIDN'T model, and then told me I could model for him and "maybe more" and that he'd pay me. Lovely. So I don't get Jim Brickman or the Sexy Latte Boy, but I can have the 65-year-old man who thinks I'm a HOOKER!

Then he walked WITH me down the street and I found out he's Jimmy, he lives in a co-op on 44th St., he likes tall thin boys, he can guess my exact height in one try like a side show act, and ummm... right, he reminded me that I'm good-looking and just his type and I'm thinking jesus christ has my complete unwillingness to go home with you not clued you in to the fact that YOU'RE not MY type no matter how many new pairs of shoes I wish I had right now?

Eventually he pieced together that I have a boyfriend (not true, but I let him believe it) because "You're tall and good-looking. You've got it all."

Yeah, dude. I've got it all. Because I'm attractive. I don't know if I'm flattered by that or aghast as his serious lack of insight about what being attractive really gets you. And what it doesn't.

Cafe Olé

Guys I have wonderful news! I think I'm officially flirting with the guy at my new favorite coffee shop.

Ok, so I recently discovered Joe: The Art of Coffee in Grand Central which has super strong super good coffee so I hike over there every morning now and usually there is this cute blonde skinny boy in a hat (the same hat always) working the espresso machine and I like to look at him and he always smiles and says here you go real nice when he gives me my soy au lait.

Anyway today I was amongst a whole bunch of Australian businessmen somehow and I didn't think my boy was there, just all the girls who work, but then he came out from the back and was hanging out because there were girls manning the register and the machine, and he kept looking over and me and smiling bashfully and looking away, so I did it back and then he walked up and took my cup out of the line-up and made my drink! OMG love, is this what you taste like? Rich and bitter and... with soy?

Right so I am officially going back every morning for some serious cup-o'-joe mojo with my new sexy latte boy who's probably too young for me. Pray it keeps me up all night.